The year 2022 began with me watching the time square ball drop in my living room and screaming happy new year. The new year presented the vision of a likely end to the global pandemic, but it hasn't lived up to that promise with continuous lingering fear and the development of new viruses.
A few weeks into the new year, we were forced into a lockdown due to a new variant of covid, followed by the war in Ukraine forced by Russia, and we then inflation! Plans had to be changed; we prayed for Ukraine and donated to charities to support people fleeing their homes.
I learned something I would take with me going forward, and I decided to share it in an essay below. Enjoy, and I hope it resonates with you.
Together is better
Growing up in Warri, Nigeria, it was frowned upon for a young person to contribute meaningfully to the conversation. At that age, I felt I had so much to say from what I was learning in the books I read. In our culture, a respectful child remains silent while the elder discusses the issues at hand.
I knew I wanted to use words to sway people and bring a smile to somebody else. In secondary school (middle school/high school in America), my peers regarded me as the tiebreaker when an argument arise. I studied almost anything I could find in my hand's history books, geography, geopolitics, and sport. I would go on to become a pastor and a social justice activist.
In the past month, I have been in situations in the United States where I should have used my voice to have a powerful argument, but I decided not to, and in one instance, I didn't speak the truth about who I am to a stranger to avoid an argument. it seems growing has changed my view on when I use my voice. I yearn for more quiet time and an opportunity to contribute to a space that is welcoming of the ideas, I seek to present.
On my way to Chicago to speak for a conference, I got to JFK earlier than expected. While waiting for a flight an older lady asked me if the suit, I was carrying was for a wedding, and I replied no, I am going to speak. I am already married and don’t plan on getting married twice. She continued the conversation and asked me about politics, which I tried to dodge but was unsuccessful, she read me the bible and finally asked me about my wife, and I said fine. I didn’t tell her I don’t have a wife.
I say to myself, I was just too tired of the topic switch and baiting me to express my opinion, but if I had the energy to say further when she asked me only about my suit, why didn’t I do the same about my husband?
I believed I lied, and it hurts to think about the situation but discussing it with my friends after made me see the situation in a different light. I tried to play nice to a stranger. It's a burden on the marginalized group to explain themselves to a different group of people at every new event, and even in a space where they want to blend in. It becomes a shore sometimes to tell somebody who you are, and you choose silence in place of standing up.
Creating change must not be a task left-over for the people affected alone because together is better.
I have lived unapologetically for so long; I do not intend to start censuring myself at this age or stage of my life, but to effectively utilize my voice. I am painfully doing the work of accessing and planning how, where and when I use it going forward.
I knew I would be speaking the next day in Chicago to an auditorium full of people, and it was fine that I conserve my energy for the moment I stepped on the stage. This is the only way I could save myself from not arguing with her at the gate of the plane. I am focusing on making a greater impact and that is the transition I am experiencing, and I hope it helps you in a way examine areas in your life where you are transitioning. The ways you did things in the past might no longer be sustainable. So, you choose to take a different approach sometimes but remind yourself not to lose the core values that make you who you are.